“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
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[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
no regrets
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers