My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
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From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda