@behindyourback

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

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@actioncookbook

SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?

@UnIxphysco

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

@catmarstru

“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same

@Roweboat13G

I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.

@TheEllenShow

Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.

@briangaar

HELLO 911, I NEED TO REPORT A HALO SCORE THAT’S “CRIMINALLY” HIGH LOL!!!! … yes you can talk to my mom

@Baxterbix

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

@WilliamAder

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.