If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

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SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?


I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes


“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same


I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.


Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.


HELLO 911, I NEED TO REPORT A HALO SCORE THAT’S “CRIMINALLY” HIGH LOL!!!! … yes you can talk to my mom


I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?


Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.