@behindyourback

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

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@JournalismJunk

The closest I’ve come to a threesome is watching my wife and the nurse roll their eyes at the same time while I’m getting weighed.

@envydatropic

My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.

@TheBeerGuy73

Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.

I’ve got this.

*grabs a hammer*

@ninjadinosaur1

I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.

@rainbowrowell

These protests are PLANNED. These opposition groups are ORGANIZED. My enemies are USING CALENDARS. Someone signed up to BRING DOUGHNUTS.

@topaz_kell

Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.

@JakeSherman

your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.

@Tytayniss

Baby terrorist: *points gun* haha I’ve got you now!

Baby spy: *covers face with hands*

Baby terrorist: what!! where did he go???

@merrittkopas

him: what are u wearing
me: I AM WREATHED IN VOID, AN EMPTINESS WHICH ADMITS NO LIGHT OR LIFE & SIGNALS THE END OF ALL THINGS
him: thats hot

@thunt59

So I had a wedding in my Calendar for this Saturday and I was very stressed out because I didn’t know whose it was and I was afraid I was going to miss it. Then I realized that it was part of my 20 year plan and I set it like 5 years ago. It’s my wedding, I’m missing my wedding.