If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
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I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
crying
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.