The closest I’ve come to a threesome is watching my wife and the nurse roll their eyes at the same time while I’m getting weighed.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
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My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
These protests are PLANNED. These opposition groups are ORGANIZED. My enemies are USING CALENDARS. Someone signed up to BRING DOUGHNUTS.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Baby terrorist: *points gun* haha I’ve got you now!
Baby spy: *covers face with hands*
Baby terrorist: what!! where did he go???
him: what are u wearing
me: I AM WREATHED IN VOID, AN EMPTINESS WHICH ADMITS NO LIGHT OR LIFE & SIGNALS THE END OF ALL THINGS
him: thats hot
So I had a wedding in my Calendar for this Saturday and I was very stressed out because I didn’t know whose it was and I was afraid I was going to miss it. Then I realized that it was part of my 20 year plan and I set it like 5 years ago. It’s my wedding, I’m missing my wedding.