@KentWGraham

If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?

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@AngryRaccoon2

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.

@iinkedZombie

[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!

@KKAlThani

Hello is this NASA? Ya what will happen if the sun decided to come out at night? Is it still called night or morning? Hello?

@SardonicTart

[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.

@chris_isloi

Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”

@SaltyCorpse

My dog: I can’t get her up.

My Other dog: Did you lick her face?

My dog: Yeah, no dice.

My other dog: Did you run to the door and back?

My dog: Yes. Sheesh.

My Cat: Get out of my way, amateurs. *hurk* *gag* *hurk* Now she’s up, peasants.

@TheTimmyToes

[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*

@ericsshadow

“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”

KID: *goes kicking and screaming*

TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight

ADULT: Thank you so much

@dreamthievin

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

@Mexpeach7

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out