If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
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So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
When you’re here for the treats.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire