I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
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Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Hello is this NASA? Ya what will happen if the sun decided to come out at night? Is it still called night or morning? Hello?
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
My dog: I can’t get her up.
My Other dog: Did you lick her face?
My dog: Yeah, no dice.
My other dog: Did you run to the door and back?
My dog: Yes. Sheesh.
My Cat: Get out of my way, amateurs. *hurk* *gag* *hurk* Now she’s up, peasants.
[JanSport keynote address]
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out