Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
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ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Screw this. I’m going back to Windows 95.
Meanwhile in London.
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Me: Nope. No way.
[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
weird that u can die from drinkin too much water but also die from not drinking enough water. Also u will die even drinking the right amount
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa