If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
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Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.