@ObscureGent

If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.

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@ibid78

“We should see other people”
PIGEON: coo
“It’s not u it’s me”
– coo
“I’m breaking up w/ u”
– coo
“I’m sleeping w/ ur brother”
– not coo

@MartaEffing

*hears suspicious noise in backyard, is too lazy to get up & investigate*

*smells cookies baking at neighbors house, immediately goes over*

@KKAlThani

Hello is this NASA? Ya what will happen if the sun decided to come out at night? Is it still called night or morning? Hello?

@JoeRegular4

Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene

@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now

ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome

@Parkerlawyer

Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS

@BuckyIsotope

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

@samalmightysam

-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!

@blaha_Who

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel