If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
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If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I understand how batteries feel cause I鈥檓 rarely ever included in things either.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don鈥檛 know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What鈥檚 that, a button? Fine