“We should see other people”
“It’s not u it’s me”
“I’m breaking up w/ u”
“I’m sleeping w/ ur brother”
– not coo
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
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*hears suspicious noise in backyard, is too lazy to get up & investigate*
*smells cookies baking at neighbors house, immediately goes over*
Hello is this NASA? Ya what will happen if the sun decided to come out at night? Is it still called night or morning? Hello?
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel