@ObscureGent

If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.

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@TweetPotato314

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.

@stephanieck72

I am the kind of person who will restart a song because I got distracted and wasn’t appreciating it enough

@ObscureGent

The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.

@Bill_Nye_Tho__

s/o to parallel lines for keeping that shit platonic and never crossing. they keep a healthy professional work ethic

@AaronFullerton

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

@SortaBadass

Naming your daughter after a luxury car or precious gemstone is a wager with the universe that your parenting can make her not be a stripper

@LoriGallucci

“Mommy does Barbie come with Ken?”

“No sweetie, Barbie comes with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken”

@ChicksRule

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

@KalvinMacleod

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.