If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
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if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up