@holly_hjk

If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)

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@ozzyunc

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

@jergarl

Shia Labeouf always looks like he’s trying to teach math after someone just waved smelling salts under his nose.

@PinkCamoTO

*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.

@CrockettForReal

Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December

@AntozWolf

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

@treydayway

It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis

@PickleRudd

About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.

So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.

@spazrunsny

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

@NoticablyBacon

Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex