If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
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BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Only a mother’s love …
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Tremendous stuff
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’