If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
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I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.