If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
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It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Lmao
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
peak technology
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
this is the best day of my life
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?