If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
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Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.