Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
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Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.