@omgthatspunny

If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, then expect a long sentence.

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@PinkCamoTO

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

@Darlainky

What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.

@Lin_Baker

He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO

@amishschool

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

@Mom_Overboard

Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*

White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE

@collegefession

“My bf and I were having dinner with my family and I asked for my daddy to pass the sriracha my bf and my dad both reached for it” – Harvard

@xLiserx

Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.

@IvoryGazelle

[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?