If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, then expect a long sentence.

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Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.


Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.


What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.


He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO


My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.


Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*



“My bf and I were having dinner with my family and I asked for my daddy to pass the sriracha my bf and my dad both reached for it” – Harvard


Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.


[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?