@omgthatspunny

If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, then expect a long sentence.

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@LionJenkins

Will The Real Slim Shady please sit down

Will The Real Slim Shady put his left arm in

Now out

Will The Real Slim Shady shake it all about

@SondraDeeMe

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

@UnFitz

*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*

@Kryzazy

Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills

Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.

@goodhairperson

I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.

@Jake_Vig

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”

@BossyBritches72

Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.

@weinerdog4life

Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.