If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, then expect a long sentence.
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Will The Real Slim Shady please sit down
Will The Real Slim Shady put his left arm in
Will The Real Slim Shady shake it all about
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.