*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
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I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
crochet youtube is brutal
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.