[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
If a kid asks you to check under the bed for monsters & you look, scream & run out of the room, you wont be asked to baby sit again!
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[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Thats right, I spelled potatoe with an e. If they can have eyes, what’s stopping them from having toes?
Elevator is broken. Had to use the other one. #firstworldproblems
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
*waits until a bird falls asleep, quietly creeps beside it’s nest*
HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO ARE YOU AWAKE!?!! HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS!?!
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
[after i confess to murder]
COP: sarge? you gotta see this
[shows interrogation video and sees my fingers crossed the whole time]