Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
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*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
That’s not how days work.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.