If a kid asks you to check under the bed for monsters & you look, scream & run out of the room, you wont be asked to baby sit again!

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Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.


I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.


Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.


[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?


I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’


ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help


Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass


Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!

Me: Sounds great, Dear.


Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there