@RafaelaStoakes

If a kid asks you to check under the bed for monsters & you look, scream & run out of the room, you wont be asked to baby sit again!

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@PaperWash

[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

@AnOrangeSNES

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

@AlmightyBored

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

@PAT_E_ROCK

The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.

@GimmeDemTxTacos

Thats right, I spelled potatoe with an e. If they can have eyes, what’s stopping them from having toes?

@philsturgeon

Elevator is broken. Had to use the other one. #firstworldproblems

@WomensHumor

I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal

@thenatewolf

*waits until a bird falls asleep, quietly creeps beside it’s nest*

HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO ARE YOU AWAKE!?!! HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS!?!

@TheNYAMProject

Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.

Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS

@trojansauce

[after i confess to murder]

COP: sarge? you gotta see this

[shows interrogation video and sees my fingers crossed the whole time]