If a lady ever jumped out of my cake goddamnit she better be holding more cake

You Might Also Like


Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.


COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no


I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…


WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea


Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.


I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.


Bruh my history teacher wants me to fail at this point


(At a 5yr old’s birthday party)

Me: I can’t believe they scheduled this party during nap time. It really messes up our whole routine.

Another mom: Wow, your kid still naps?


Her: hello?

Me: Zzzzzz