Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
If a lady ever jumped out of my cake goddamnit she better be holding more cake
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COP: are you armed
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Bruh my history teacher wants me to fail at this point
(At a 5yr old’s birthday party)
Me: I can’t believe they scheduled this party during nap time. It really messes up our whole routine.
Another mom: Wow, your kid still naps?
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.