You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
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Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”