If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
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Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
We found love in a hopeless place.