If a mad scientist ever clones me, throw a cube of cheese in the air. The faster one is me.

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Flirtation tip: glue a dead wasp to your hand before the date, then snatch at the air beside her head and show her the wasp. Say “close one”


Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37


My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.


Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.


[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Brain: nice


in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies


You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”


i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind


I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am