@stellarjulez808

If a mad scientist ever clones me, throw a cube of cheese in the air. The faster one is me.

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@Mickey_McCauley

Flirtation tip: glue a dead wasp to your hand before the date, then snatch at the air beside her head and show her the wasp. Say “close one”

@dlockw21

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

@sheseemslegit

My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.

@Staggfilms

Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.

@thetits

[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice

@mostlysharks

in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies

@SteveSuckington

You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

@gabbybendel

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind

@suecorvette

I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am