My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
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Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?