If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
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“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*