There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
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Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE