If a murderer wanted to lure me out of my room all he’d have to do is turn off my wifi cause sure as shit i’m gonna see why it aint working

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replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground


The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.


My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.


*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*


I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.


Me:”But if, as the sign says, there are ‘no right turns’ can u really fault me for making a wrong one.”
Cop:”Thats deep but, yes.”


I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.