If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
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“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”