if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
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“You’d better run, egg!”
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal