If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
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Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.