Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
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I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
I bought shampoo for “badly behaved” hair. So relieved my hair will finally stop robbing banks and terrorising old ladies.
I don’t think peeing on a goose is the right answer..
But on the other hand..
I’m not sure it’s the WRONG answer.
-Drunk me at a zoo
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Probably the worst time to ask “shouldn’t we go on a date first?” is after getting handcuffed by a police officer.
Bath time without my phone:
Bath time with my phone:
1 wrinkly baby
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.