@Pork_Chop_Hair

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

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@daddyville

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

@B1gBrainsMcGee

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

@celticrose2312

I bought shampoo for “badly behaved” hair. So relieved my hair will finally stop robbing banks and terrorising old ladies.

@jergarl

I don’t think peeing on a goose is the right answer..

But on the other hand..

I’m not sure it’s the WRONG answer.

-Drunk me at a zoo

@leyawn

im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason

@KKAlThani

Probably the worst time to ask “shouldn’t we go on a date first?” is after getting handcuffed by a police officer.

@CallMeDraper

Bath time without my phone:

10 minutes

Bath time with my phone:

45 minutes
75 retweets
1 wrinkly baby

@CulturedRuffian

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.

@batkaren

“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…