IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
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[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
“Ten years ago, we had no Jobs, no Hope, and no Cash!” –cemeteries
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
lol at people who think they’re a hypochondriac for using WebMD. Hit me up when you’re paying urgent care doctors hundreds of dollars a month to say stuff like “if your throat was closing up, your throat would be closing up”
me: i’d like to make a complaint
optometrist: what is it?
me: the surgery i just had
me: [taking off sunglasses] do you see any laser eyes because i don’t