If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
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Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind