@Playing_Dad

If a pregnant friend tells you what the kid’s name will be just whisper “AND THE DARK LORD’S PROPHECY WILL BE FULFILLED.” They love that.

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@genehunter1

Twitter is the only place where you’re thrilled when a complete stranger starts following you.

@thenatewolf

Avocados are like women: soft inside, dinosaur skin outside, big cricket ball in the middle, all the good ones are taken…

@Pspenny36

7yo: mommy you smell like beer. Me: well, you smell like a bad idea that your dad and I thought could fix our marriage….now go to bed.

@Book_Krazy

[interview]

“How would you describe your people skills?”

ME: I tend to drive others away.

“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”

@Sohail__300

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

@fignhoney

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

@StellaGMaddox

Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”

@MeatyPunk

“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1

FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”

@BackrowSeats

People that say “God never gives you more than you can handle” never met my ex-girlfriend.