If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
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Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
who wore it better?
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
how much for the angry fruit?
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.