Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
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It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral