Blood oranges at the farmer’s market. What am I, The Lord of War? Peddle your conflict fruit someplace else.
If a restaurant can afford to advertise on national television, you should never eat there
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Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
God: nobody knows
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.