@briangaar

If a restaurant can afford to advertise on national television, you should never eat there

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@Howiesbookclub

Blood oranges at the farmer’s market. What am I, The Lord of War? Peddle your conflict fruit someplace else.

@ToxicProbably

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

@Rollinintheseat

[First date]

Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”

Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”

@FriedWords

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.

@thedad

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

@Tmoney68

[Sloth Job Interview]

Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?

*2 hours later*

Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.

@WeekendTwitr

my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.

@electrolemon

scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”

@aksorojas

I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.