(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
You Might Also Like
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets