If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
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It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.