Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
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Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
*steals your snacks, runs away
Guy just asked me where a public phone was, I told him 1987.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
If stalking people is so bad, why does Twitter keep giving us a list of people to follow?
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.