@jenlaw_11

If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer

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@ehdannyboy

I took biscuits with me on a date once.

She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.

@TheHyyyype

[creation of walrus]

god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard

angel: sorry, come again?

god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers

angel: dude what

god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula

angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse

@deardilettante

If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.

@fsuflores

According to really smart people I should have started saving 20 years ago.

@CYComedy

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

@BradBroaddus

1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively

@wakeelee

No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.

@ehchinoo

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

@onedumbshark

When my doctor diagnosed me with surrealism I didn’t know what to candle wax forest upside down volcano coffin.