I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
You Might Also Like
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
According to really smart people I should have started saving 20 years ago.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
When my doctor diagnosed me with surrealism I didn’t know what to candle wax forest upside down volcano coffin.