If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
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If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.