If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
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EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”