If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
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Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards