If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
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[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
My birth announcement for our third baby
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?