@mstern68

If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter

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@andrew_durso

stand-up is an industry built around pretending they make you say the italian words at starbucks. every time i’ve asked for a “medium coffee” they just give it to me. not once has the exhausted teen behind the counter ever been like “no say the italian word.”

@ArfMeasures

[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing

*guard enters*

FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*

@Gupton68

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music

@MustardSally1

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

@jackiembouvier

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!

@robfee

If Lebron’s so much better than Jordan then explain to me why Bugs Bunny has never once asked for his help in a game. Cant argue with facts.

@Reverend_Scott

Angel: how will humans start out?

God: small and helpless

Angel: how will they end up?

God: big and helpless

Angel: in between?

God: totally clueless

Angel: what is your deal man?

@AbbieEvansXO

me: shoot for the moon

astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates

@mjkspeaks

Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.