If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
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Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.