“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
*crowd goes wild*
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
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Oh you have a hard time gaining weight?
Here, hold this grenade.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
“Ugh! Dave is coming to dinner”
“Wait, Dave Jones or Dave who impersonates police cars?”
[hears faint sirens in the distance]
Scientist: But WHY is the bee population dying?
Scientist: No idea. *eats bee*
Scientist: Did you just eat a bee?
Scientist: *eats bee* No.