@LoveNLunchmeat

If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.

You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.

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@KimmyMonte

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

@NervousJr

Oh you have a hard time gaining weight?

That’s cool.

Here, hold this grenade.

@errdayhustlah

My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.

Parenting is hard, you guys.

@TheTweetOfGod

The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.

The good news: you’re one of them.

@Marcmywords2

Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.

@Cpin42

In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident

@jazmasta

“Ugh! Dave is coming to dinner”
“Wait, Dave Jones or Dave who impersonates police cars?”
[long silence]
[hears faint sirens in the distance]

@kerihw

Scientist: But WHY is the bee population dying?
Scientist: No idea. *eats bee*
Scientist: Did you just eat a bee?
Scientist: *eats bee* No.