If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
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Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver