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Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters