If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
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UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first