If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
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ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
#CoronaOutbreak
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.