If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
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[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day