If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
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“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
finally
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.