If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
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It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
I know this now 😂
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.