If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

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I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese


If I had a piranha pond I might ask you to come over and take a close look at the lilypads


“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.


Do we really have to hear Adam Levine talk about how he used to have acne problems? That poor guy.. how’d he ever survive.


You can catch a decent buzz from smoking catnip but don’t be surprised if you wake up on top of the fridge.


Her: i think taking care of your teeth is super important.

Me: *nodding* i like having teeth because then i can always taste my skeleton.


Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.


LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed


[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!