If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
You Might Also Like
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}