wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
You Might Also Like
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
mentally somewhere in italy
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe