I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
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WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.