If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
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Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.