If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
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“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
I would like even faster food.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.