If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
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Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.