If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
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*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
[Enters baby room late at night]
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
My favourite mythical creature is the happy woman in the tampon adverts
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst.
Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.