Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
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Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize